Co-Parenting Advice
You can have a friendly divorce
DIVORCE does not have to be nasty and perceptions that amicable separations are impossible are off the mark, experts say.
While disputes are almost always inevitable when a marriage comes to an end, Queensland University of Technology family law expert Donna Cooper says an abundance of research showing the negative effect family conflict can have on children is finally sinking in with separating parents.
“There’s always been a lot of research saying that arguing, conflict, isn’t good for the children – in the last few years it has exploded,” Ms Cooper said.
“The main thing we’ve noticed in family law is that people are listening.”
Adolescent psychologist Dr Darryl Cross said reassuring children that they did not cause a break-up might seem a straightforward recommendation, but was often forgotten.
“You’d be surprised at the number of kids who don’t actually ask if they caused the split, but in their head they’re upset and put a lot of pressure on themselves because they think they’re behind the break-up,” he said.
Courts Sending Mixed Messages to Fathers About Child Discipline
A MAN was recently found guilty of hitting his teenage son with a wooden spoon during an argument over homework.
The Canberra man was found guilty in the ACT Magistrates Court, but avoided a conviction after the magistrate accepted he was genuinely remorseful for his actions.
The court heard the man hit his son with a wooden spoon after he refused to do his homework and called his mother a ”bitch”.
The 50-year-old originally pleaded not guilty to a charge of common assault after hitting his son around the legs and hands.
His defence argued it was ”lawful chastisement” but Magistrate David Mossop yesterday found the man had taken things too far and had left the boy bruised and scratched.
However Mr Mossop accepted the boy had a history of poor behaviour and that the insult to the mother went too far. He accepted that the father displayed ”a significant degree of remorse” while still maintaining he was only trying to discipline his son.
However not long after, another judicial officer found that SMACKING your kids can be OK.
There’s no such thing as a good divorce: but biased SMH Journalist beats the same drum
Editor: The following study is quite interesting, but in some of its finding is quite out-of-step with almost all previous studies.
The author of this article, Adele Horin, also puts an odd twist to this particular study, and I suspect creates a misleading impression, especially in the closing, that sole parenting is the optimal arrangement for children of divorce, even when the divorce is amicable, which is in fact quite contrary to what the Amato study found.
This is not surprising given the well-worn path of previous articles by Horin, who seems to obsess along the same lines, repeatedly, which I suspect says a lot more about Horin’s personal ideology than it actually says about the research itself.
In any case, one should more accurately interpret this study as suggesting, contrary to the foundation of the current family law act (2011), and in direct opposition to the shrill of many women’s rights advocates, that “conflict” during divorce does not impact children anywhere near the extent that the actual divorce does, nor the resulting loss of one parent. As such, conflictual divorces should play a lesser role in determining whether Shared Parenting should be provided for in the event of divorce, as divorce and sole custody are the two most significant stressors that children face, even in the face of benign and often temporary conflict.
Kids who spend more time with dad have higher IQs, study shows
THE more one-on-one bonding fathers share with their kids, the better, writes Fiona Baker.
It’s no longer unusual to see dads pushing prams or carrying bubs in a sling. At school pick-up time, there seem to be more and more fathers milling around the quadrangles, and sporting fields’ sidelines are filled with cheering dads.
Almost every body of research points to the importance of dads in their kids’ lives and the positive impact of early father-child bonding.
So it was interesting to read a recent Australian report which found only 41 per cent of surveyed dads with children under one had changed a nappy.
Even the Federal Government media release which launched this Australian Institute of Family Studies report last month said mothers continue to do the “lion’s share of unpaid domestic and childcare work in Australiaâ€Â.
Up to 59 per cent of dads thought they did their fair share of domestic tasks, but 64 per cent of mums felt they shouldered the bulk.
Quality over quantity
The Fathering In Australia Among Young Couple Families With Young Children report also found dads who were more involved when their children were little were more likely to have a higher level of involvement with their kids eight or nine years later.
Dads who had happier relationships with their partners and better mental health also exhibited more positive parenting.
While dads still spend less alone time with their kids than mums, the report did recognise that many fathers were around at meal- and bathtimes and share kid time with their partners. The report found dads’ favourite activities with kids are reading, telling stories and games.
Dave Woolbank, founder of website www.dadsclub.com.au, says the report shows quality time versus quantity is important.
“At any age, taking that time out to listen to your kids or to do something with them can have an amazing impact,†he says.
According to UK research, which analysed data collected for more than half a century and involved more than 10,000 kids, the more effort a father invests in his children, the smarter they are as kids and more successful they are as adults. The kids of involved dads had IQs several points higher.
Tips for dads
Woolbank’s website is dedicated to helping dads with ideas on how to spend time with their kids.
“So many dads want to be active and involved parents but have no idea where to start,†he says.
His suggested activities are generally more “blokey†ideas such as getting outdoors, playing games or building things. But he also calls on dads to get more involved in domestic duties and to use this as a time to spend with kids.
“Kids love to help. If there are jobs that need doing and dads want to spend time with their kids, combine the two.â€Â
And his star tip for fathers? “Read to your children,†he says.
More Do’s and Don’ts in Child Custody Disputes
In my previous article on child custody do’s and don’ts, I discussed the importance of carefully introducing significant others to your child, warned against parental alienation, and encouraged communication and information sharing. In this article, I’ll review more do’s and don’ts important in child custody disputes.
Make Your Home Your Child’s Home. With change, children need a place of their own to feel secure and in control. You can encourage that by providing your child with a separate bedroom or arrange for a special personal area somewhere in the home. This could be a desk in a bedroom shared with another child, or one end of the family room with just the child’s playthings, children’s books, and child-sized furniture. Providing a separate bedroom or special personal area will help your child adapt to the many changes they face in life during and after a divorce, legal separation, or custody dispute.
Encourage Healthy Relationships. You can encourage your child’s involvement in the community by helping the child establish relationships in the neighborhood, and even in school if necessary. Establish normal routines — daily, weekly, and monthly routines create predictability and stability. Children feel more in control when they know what is expected of them and what to expect from others. Include regular activities such as church, homework, chores, and free time for a structured family home life.
Be Prompt, Yet Flexible, with Parenting Time Exchanges. When you pick up or drop off your child for parenting time, be there on-time as scheduled. Be mindful of traffic, illness, extracurricular activities, and other circumstances that can delay parenting time exchanges. Delays should be the exception, not the rule.
If you are delayed and unable to pick-up or drop off your child on-time, then communicate that important information to the other parent. You expect understanding and flexibility when you are reasonably delayed, do show the other parent the same courtesy.
Maximize Your Parenting Time. When spending time with your child, it is imperative that you engage in meaningful activities and are intentional with your time. Strike a balance between structured and unstructured activities with your child. One simple way is to balance homework time with playtime. Include a reasonable amount of unstructured free time — time for just hanging out and talking. Free time gives your child an opportunity to relax and exchange ideas and feelings casually with you.
Make sure to schedule age appropriate activities. Include activities with your child’s extended family, so your child has opportunities to develop and maintain positive relationships with relatives. Combine indoor and outdoor activities into your parenting time. Look into age appropriate activities with your local recreation center, public library, church, or children’s group.
Don’t Confuse Child Support with Parenting Time. Child support and parenting time are two distinctly separate issues. In a parenting plan, terms and conditions are laid out governing how after school time, evenings, weekends, vacations, travel, parenting time exchanges and communication will be handled. If the other parent violated the terms of the parenting plan, then a contempt order and appropriate legal action may be taken in defense of your child.
If the other parent falls behind in child support, don’t retaliate by interfering with the parenting time schedule. Don’t try to straighten the other parent out with tough love. The court will not condone withholding parenting time from a parent who is not paying timely support. Furthermore, withholding or obstructing parenting time punishes your child, too, and for conduct beyond the child’s control. You don’t want your child to equate his or her worth, or value, in child support dollars. And you don’t want your child feeling guilty about or responsible for nonpayment of child support.
The issues involved in custody conflicts are often emotionally charged. I’ve covered only a few of the common mistakes I’ve seen clients make in my extensive family law litigation experience. When custody issues arise, it is essential that you carefully and consistently document events for future use in your case.
http://www.jdsupra.com/post/documentViewer.aspx?fid=1f5586c7-8d7a-4454-bf35-3e5145a61705
